should have, would have

Today I went to the church. We meet downstairs in my building in a little chapel of sorts. The services are always small and quaint. Today, one of the professors preached and it was convicting. He read from Matthew eight, where Matthew mentions two would-be disciples who offered themselves... but did not let go of their own agendas. One claimed to follow Jesus wherever He went, but did not realize the cost. The other told Jesus bluntly that he would be willing just as soon as the things in his life were taken care of. He wasn't trying to be disrespectful, he just wanted to tend to his earthly responsibilities. Far too often, I am a would-be disciple. I always have the best of intentions and motives and hopes. But, in reality I have not counted the cost. Sometimes following Jesus means stumbling around almost barefoot through mud and rocks and thistles. Sometimes following Jesus means not having a safe place to stay or the security of family. Sometimes following Jesus means leaving behind things that seem really important. Doing things that don't make any since at all. Being challenged, and struggling. Sometimes it hurts. I hope that I can truly learn to be a disciple. I hope that we can be disciples together. I hope that I can learn to trust. Today was like a breath of fresh air. Snow falling. A long walk. Baking cookies. Successfully finishing assignments. Good conversation and fellowship. Homemade pasta. Warm bed. However. I can feel my heart being pulled. Prodded. Shaped and molded. And I feel like I'm not ready. Like there's something to be done before the change. I am confident, however, that God uses those caught-off-guard moments to do His best work. To get to the core of the issue to touch the heart to break the spirit only so that they can be made new. I won't come back the same girl. I hope that's okay with you. It always seems to happen that way.